Well, I've been having some issues lately, even had part of it last night. I've been something to walk on, even after the growing I did, the old habbit of breaking down and appologizing, when I should've been appologized to, hasn't left me yet.
My mom threw an attitude with me yesterday just because of some kids outside were making noise and I was talking to Clark during this period of time. I get mad and told her not to snap at me for what they're doing, she got even madder about that and basically demanded me to appologize. Well this one I didn't..I didn't give myself enough time to, I walked out.
A few days ago Clark was throwing an attitude cause of some of the people who live around here, who happen to be black, were doing some bull shitted stuff. He started being racist, said it was the typical black person, the typical nigger. This frustrated me, so I tried talking to him about it. I tried TALKING, not yelling. Told him it's not the typical black person, it's just the jackasses around here. He said "You don't see any white people acting like this do you?" I said "Hell yea I've seen white assholes act like this just the same as black assholes. It's just the fact they're assholes". He kep rambling on so I just shook my head at him and said "you're wrong" and walked away. The next day I went to him and told him I owed him at least to tell him I'm frustrated with how he acted the day before. He continued defending himself, saying I don't have a right to be mad at him for being mad about niggers. I said "No I do have a right to get frustrated with you when you're being racist. Being biased to a whole group over some fucked up retards that belong to it can't be justified, and then trying to make the group you're a part of look purer than the other makes it worse". He didn't pay attention to what I just said and got mad because I was mad.
Then last night something else happened, it's kinda private..but someone got upset with me because I got upset that they got annoyed with me for just joking(to clarify, I was joking, they get annoyed with me, I get upset that instead of talking to me they just got annoyed, and then they got mad/frustrated or whatever just because I got upset).
This is starting to really sicken me. I get mad too ok? It's hard not to when so many people throw hostility toward you. So before you start to get mad or frustrated or anything like that with me, make sure you think of the reactions that will come to be. Watch what you say to me, I'm not gonna let things slide all the time like I used to. I will stand up for myself and knock you flat on your ass if I have to(this is to everyone, not a single person).
Now..as for the thank you. This goes to Kim and Jeremy, believe it or not.
The situation with the two of them helped me realize all this. I'll explain:
- Jeremy would on an almost common occassion come to me with problems and annoyances he had with Kim. I would try to explain to him that he needs to talk to her, I think once he actually listened, but majorly he didn't pay attention to anything I said at all.
- Kim came to me with insecurities. She wasn't sure what Jeremy liked, if he would hate her for this, if he didn't really love her, what would she do if he left her? Things like that. I would try to ease her, and knowing she's on medication and may not be able to handle facing him I would share these with Jeremy and TELL him he needs to ease her here, here, and here. I don't think he listened to me til one day he had a problem with one of her insecurities..which is probably the only time he listened to me at all.
- Besides when they wanted to talk about each other, Jeremy and Kim had nothing to do with me. I was a relationship consultant to them, not a friend. I would try to hang with them, one time I did and they really made me feel like a third wheel. I didn't feel like I should be there, they made me feel dejected. I was just afraid to say anything for a long time, I didn't want them to get mad at me(doormatsyndrome).
- The time came where my birthday celebration came, neither of them could show up..however I have reason to believe they spend that day together. Like many other times I tried to hang with them, they chose to deject me from their social line(I say line because there's no shape between two points), and just spend all their time together.
- Now, after all the times we had together, their neglect for my feelings, friendship, and heart was too much to bear. I had to tell them everything, I couldn't hold it inside anymore, or else I would've torn apart. I brought out to Kim that Jeremy's talked to me about a lot that bugs him, that they need to speak to each other, gave Kim the notice that Jeremy's said she was being clingy. Kim took this out on me, by threatening not to talk to me for a really long time(treating me like a door mat, again). I spoke of my feelings in the post, these feelings were yet again neglected to further prove my point. They weren't being very good friends. Jeremy took that time to turn around the situation and try to make himself the victim(making it two on one). He called me a hypocrit, saying this one post is hurtting their feelings. The news was, they were hurtting my feelings for months and months. A person with a hurt heart can't hold that bearing pain for so long without shootting it out eventually(of course I hinted to being upset several times before this, they just didn't listen), of course when I do shoot it all out eventually, they get mad at me. Travis is not supposed to get upset, he's supposed to take everything. This is wrong..
- Now whenever Jeremy speaks of me to people he calls me T.O., he doesn't say my name. (Guess that means I can call him Jerk and get away with it, J.R.K. are his initials). Kimberly won't even speak to people affiliated with me now, such as my cousin or any of my friends. This is pathetic and childish.
That situation, all of it, has made me realize I have been too easilly walked on for far too long, and while I stand up for myself to them, I don't to anyone else. I'm gonna try to make a change..so people..really think about how you treat me. Don't use me, don't abuse me, back off, otherwise step up and be ready to get pushed down.
So yea..Kim..Jeremy..thanks for the realization. Thank you for being yourselves, you helped me grow, I can only hope you two do yourselves.
Note: This will be public in hopes the names affiliated will see this.